First, get yourself some apples. Try for local, organic, awesomeness, but if they're half rotten and full of worms like mine were (ugh), just go to the damn store and get some Honeycrisp.
Ahhhh, Honeycrisp! Our forbidden love is so delicious! Or maybe that's just you. You are delicious. Mmmm.
Ahem. Now. Wash and slice them apples and take out the middle bits. I got these handy little things last year intending them to be for the purpose of cutting school lunches and snacks into interesting shapes. They happen to perfectly fit the inside portion of most apples. There's even a star-shaped one (that I couldn't find today, lol)!
My kids love to do this part. Today I let Ezekiel do it because Isaiah tends to snap the apple slices into little bits in his enthusiasm and I wanted some nice whole fritters to show you. Isaiah helped with the next part!
Grab a small mixing bowl and throw in some cornmeal and flour. I probably used around a cup of each (I'm sorry for not measuring. I am. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm rebellious that way). Then you need a dash each of baking powder and salt (probably between 1/2-1 teaspoon here, but definitely not more than a teaspoon, especially on the salt).
Next pour in some leftover kombucha (you could also use beer/ale/whatever). I used maybe 1/4 cup, but this will depend on the strength of your kombucha. Next I put in probably 1/4 - 1/2 cup of milk. You can use all kombucha/beer, but my kombucha is crazy strong right now, more like vinegar...so I opted to mix it with something mild. You could also use just milk, and put in maybe a little bit of lemon juice, vinegar or yogurt or something else tangy to give it an extra kick.
Now. If you want to be really good and Weston-A.-Price-ish, like I...erm...try to be when I'm not in a hurry (ha!), you could prepare this batter the night before and let it sit to break down all those nasty phytates and whatnot in the flour. If you're in a hurry and didn't think about how you might want apple fritters for breakfast when it was the night before, and you suddenly really want apple fritters right now, just let it sit for five minutes or so to let the batter thicken.
While the batter is doin' it's thang, get out your lovely home-rendered tallow (or lard or other suitable-for-high-heat frying fat). Start it melting in a small pan. I used a small pan because I don't have a lot of tallow left right now, and the oil does have to be a certain depth for what we're going to do. It means I have to fry them one at a time, but tha's no biggie.
Thaaarrrr she goes! Ahhh, fat. It's a beautiful thing. I'd say you want the depth of the oil to be at least equal to the thickness of your apple slices. Mine were about a centimeter.
Leave the oil to get nice and hot and check on your batter. You want it to be fairly runny, but thick enough to stick to the apples. Not as runny as cake batter, but not as thick as muffin batter. You'll get the feel for it, don't worry!
Now you'll have to hurry and wash your grabby tongs that were still in the sink from the last time you made apple fritters (ssshhhh!). Get that first apple slice all covered in batter and drop it gently in (splashing hurts). Once it's brown (DON'T BURN IT DON'T BURN IT DON'T BURN IT!!!!!!), turn it over and enjoy the fantastic smell of melty apple filling your kitchen. Set it on a plate with paper towels to soak up any dripping. Start the next fritter before you bite into the first. There's plenty of time. Don't get ahead of yourself.
Unless you have little kids grabbing frantically for the first one. Then you might have to come up with a new strategy to get that first, luscious, heavenly bite.
By the way, if you DO have a good strategy for keeping grubby, grabby gremlin hands off of the first fritter, let me know!
I never get the first fritter.
Make sure you keep the oil nice and hot while you're frying. Nothing worse than a soggy fritter! Don't let it get TOO hot, either. Nothing worse than a burnt fritter.
Most of all, be enthusiastic, let the kids help, and have fun! Pretty much my advice on life right there. ;)
I was going to take a picture of the finished product for you, all stacked up in a neat little tower, but...
We ate them instead.